Ethereum Foundation Surreptitiously Removes and Replaces Gary Gensler with Identical Twin Robert to Guarantee ETF Approval
Having trouble listening? Download the audio here.
In a controversial move widely decried by human rights groups, the Ethereum Foundation published a blog post all but confirming a critical role in the removal and replacement of Gary Gensler with his identical — but crypto friendly — brother Robert in order to usher in the Ethereum ETF. The EF called this a “necessary” move to ensure a “robust, secure, and sustainable future of finance.”
“What is the price of a human life? At what cost should we accelerate the arrival of a better world? Is keeping us from being a dead player worth the real death of even one misguided soul? There is much to consider,” wrote Vitalik in a complimentary post titled “Ethereum Endgame 2: Omelas Boogaloo,” defending the Ethereum Foundation. This was followed by 3,000 other words, several inscrutable flowcharts lifted straight from a DoD PowerPoint, and the frequent mention of “ZK Endgame,” for some reason.
Other prominent members of the Ethereum community were broadly supportive, blithely ignoring the moral quandary inherent in a protocol claiming to enable permissionless self-sovereignty also tacitly supporting kidnapping and murder…for the express purpose of irrevocably bridging capital from the gate-kept, finite garden of traditional finance. “Sometimes you need to make a little sacrifice for the greater good,” said David Hoffman, struggling to speak through a self-inflicted rib wound.
“This is the most +EV move in history,” echoed Glen Weyl, in another supporting post titled “Robert for Gary; The Most Radical Exchange.”
“Look, the concept of subtraction is a core pillar of our work,” claimed the EF’s Executive Director Aya Miyaguchi. “And sometimes that means subtracting a person. Not that it’s our place to do that directly.”
While certainly true that no one from the Ethereum Foundation was directly involved in the scheme, they did coordinate the discussion and development of an L2 designed for gray-market assassinations and bribes, and an anonymous source donated the $5mm worth of ETH for this particular RFP, innocuously code-named “Doublemint the Fun.”
Not everyone was positive. “Do we really need another L2?” asked one anon, concerned about composibility and fragmentation. “And if this one was nurtured by EF, will it become the de-facto, go-to L2? Especially for targeted, incentivized killings? That doesn’t seem fair to Blast to me. Frankly I think enshrining liquid staking in the protocol and socializing MEV is way more important to focus on anyway.”
Despite some of these concerns, other blockchain communities were quick to follow Ethereum’s lead. Charles Hoskinson reportedly strangled a low-ranking CFTC official with his bare hands, committing to decentralizing this process in the future. Justin Sun created a new “JustKill” protocol that he claims will overtake Ethereum’s approach imminently, and has pledged $50mm of his own algorithmic, rock-solid stablecoin for RFPs (while exchanging $100mm of the “required gas token” directly into Tether).
Others are attempting to leapfrog — the Solana Foundation announced that they quietly replaced Justin Trudeau with a distant, French-speaking relative of Fidel Castro in order to rubber-stamp a Canadian ETF. “And we did it all through the L1!” they were quick to add.
But like so many other phenomenon in this industry, only time will tell if this approach to political action is more than just a flashloan in the pan. Or if anyone in cryptocurrency will ever re-examine the threshold at which morally dubious alignments and actions finally outweigh their protocol-centric views on the “greater good.”
In the meantime, when asked for comment, Robert dba Gary Gensler simply smiled and winked unnervingly.