Welcome...to the Web 210 Zone


Since most of bitbanter will be cryptocurrency satire, it stands to reason that I have a loosely associated, harebrained degenerate regenerative financial scheme hastily bolted onto it. So I'm running a smart contract raffle to win a pixelated golden tulip (as an NFT).

Entering the raffle is like buying a chance to own a futures contract for a long-delayed satire of dubious quality. If you fail to win that, you get a shade of the poorly drawn tulip. If the raffle fails to reach the arbitrary 42069 ETH goal, then some ETH is burned for no good reason, and I get nothing. If it does reach its 42069 ETH goal, it forces an overly leveraged bet with a high probability of failure and contagious liquidation.

Nothing here is something a well-adjusted person would do.

Intrigued or disgusted? Read on for details!

image of the golden bit tulip
The Golden Bit Tulip

Wow, a pixelated golden tulip! So cool. Perhaps the best NFT that exists, or will ever exist. How can I win it?

Simple, enter the bitbanter raffle for the low price of 1 ETH! I'm using the very latest in Sybil-resistant, soulbound token mechanics to keep the raffle as fair as theoretically possible, which means your chance of winning goes up as you put in more ETH (in 1 ETH increments only, over separate transactions).

qrcode link to update raffle contract method
Enter Raffle

To provide an extra (dis)incentive, the Golden Bit Tulip holder gains an additional privilege: I will write a book for them, and publish it here four years after the raffle is concluded. The book itself will be encrypted against the public key of the Golden Bit Tulip owner at that time. (assuming I can derive it) I will never publish another book again, and they can choose when and if their bespoke book ever sees the light of day — but either way I'll keep a copy for myself.

...they will, as a matter of course, have zero creative control over what I write. And if they are not anonymous and I don't particularly like them, I will — in all likelihood — make the entire thing an epic literary roast of whoever they are.

Huh okay, a book too. Not really my thing but I really like the golden pixelated tulip. 1 ETH seems a little pricey but surely that means I have a high chance of winning...

Surprisingly, no it does not. Your chance is scaled against what I assume is the market value of the Golden Bit Tulip: 42069 ETH. So if you contribute 420 ETH in 420 successive transactions, you have an almost 1% chance of winning.

Ugh I am already way too long in crypto and sick of exceptionally random outcomes. Is there any way I can guarantee winning this amazing, one-of-a-kind golden pixelated tulip?

Why, yes! You can. If you are an avid collector of digital, on-chain rubbish, you have the option of "buying it now" for the market price of 42069 ETH, subverting the raffle and rugpulling everyone else...just as a premium-tulip-buying whale would expect.

qrcode link to update raffle contract method
Buy It Now For the Unbeatable Price of 42069 ETH

Neither of those links work for me. What gives?

Goddammit. Since nobody supports EIP-681 and I'm too lazy to make this static site "interactively web3" for two simple contract methods, consider this Etherscan link a canonical alternative. Use the "updateRaffle" method and enter 1 for the value. If you're rich and into rugpulling, you can figure out the other method on your own. Fingers crossed Etherscan doesn't censor me!

Against all better judgment I entered the raffle. When does the smart contract decide the winner? And what happens to the ETH?

Assuming no one rugpulls the raffle, a winner can only be declared after 42069 ETH has been collected. I can also choose to end the raffle early — if I get bored with the concept or someone tries to turn this into a god-forsaken community or DAO. But if I do, my portion of the ETH is burned, and the pixelated golden tulip returns to me.

No matter what the outcome, half of the ETH is hard-coded to be sent to four groups doing good things: ZachXBT, Coin Center, the Internet Archive, and Give Directly. And take heart, all participants will receive these not-golden Bit Tulip ERC-1155s as a consolation prize — 1 for each 1 ETH they contributed. The ERC-1155s are minted as you enter the raffle, and they are immovable (aka the ERC-1155 contract is paused) until the raffle has concluded. Just consider yourself a forced tulip HODLer or something.

image of a not golden bit tulip
A Not-Golden Bit Tulip

So there's a pretty good chance no one will win the pixelated golden tulip, since the raffle is unlikely to reach its 42069 ETH goal. Weirdly, that makes me feel better as a participant. But aren't you just going to market-dump the ETH if you reach the goal? Why should I, an ultra-sound bat-money enthusiast, trust you, a satirist of no renown, who is seemingly only in it for the bit?

Your concerns are misplaced, hapless rube valued community member! Thanks to the power of Smart Contracts™ and Money Legos®, my ETH from the raffle proceeds will be forcibly posted as lending collateral in Aave. I will only be able to borrow 50% of its TVL in USDC, in one shot — mostly so I can pay income taxes and cover book-writing expenses; things like calligraphy classes, golden filigree-imbued pens, notebooks made from pulp found in Leonardo Da Vinci's refuse bins, and a new house.

And in honor of our many fallen, idiotic, over-leveraged titans of industry, this bespoke Smart Contract™ disallows me from withdrawing any of its collateral until ETH hits $8,888.88, or whatever on-chain oracle Aave is using can be convinced it has. I dare you to find a project with treasury management that's this user-incentive-aligned, this bullish, or this insane (hedge funds don't count). Worst case? The raffle of a digitized golden tulip catalyzes or abets an industry-wide liquidation cascade, wiping billions off markets that are probably too incestuously linked anyway. Which still sounds like a pretty successful joke to me.

Cool, so other than maybe winning a book that I don't want to read, what else do the tulips do?

Absolutely — and I cannot stress this enough — nothing. I don't even personally find them aesthetically pleasing; I spent 20 minutes whipping them up. They are intrinsically worthless, unless you are deranged enough to believe wasting space in Ethereum's state trie is valuable.

Hmm so is there a roadmap or a discord–

I'm going to stop you right there. Under no conditions in this (or any other) universe am I going to encourage, endorse, participate in, or cater to any kind of "community" — particularly if it consists of members who expect a roadmap.

There is no roadmap. There is no community. If any one of you suggests or hints at the prospect of "governance," I swear to God I will nuke the contract and burn the ETH early. Don't test me.

...do I get to have any input in bitbanter or any kind of special privileges or–

NO. No no no no no no. You get nothing but a weird pointer to a stupid pixelated tulip bloating the Ethereum blockchain, or that AND a vague claim on a book that will invariably disappoint you. I am not lying. There is no utility in these; if anything, I will probably think less of you if you have one. Especially if you win the golden one.

Well then why would I enter?

I HAVE NO IDEA. Nothing makes sense anymore. Enjoy!