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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DALLAS, TX - JULY 10, 2023 – In an unsurprising expansion of their business strategy as a blockchain analytics firm, Arkham Intelligence introduced its groundbreaking product, the “Brand Equity Eradication Engine,” a unique offering that promises to destroy any brand equity they — and any entities associated with them — have painstakingly built over the years.
“We’re really excited about this product,” said CEO Miguel Morel, winking underneath his £2500 sunglasses. “By fully embracing our narc roots and corrupting the core principles underlying the cryptocurrency movement, we have accomplished the impossible: obliterated heretofore unheard-of levels of brand equity in mere hours.”
Quote transcribed, Miguel proceeded to high-five the PR team, then doused us with champagne he purchased from revenue generated by selling your financial data to Meta and the FBI.
How did Arkham accomplish this feat? While part of their secret sauce is proprietary, the seeds were sown long ago. “Blockchains are about transparency and audibility, which is why crowd-sourcing everyone’s financial history is a no-brainer,” continued Miguel, completely missing the fucking point of decades of cypherpunk history.
Arkham’s Brand Equity Eradication Engine will see a limited release in select markets this quarter, and counts all of Arkham’s investors — including Tim Draper, Peter Thiel, Sam Altman, Coinbase, and DCG — as unwilling customers. While many of them have significant reserves of brand equity available for annihilation by Arkham, some are already operating at a significant negative balance. But they needn’t worry: Arkham’s second act for the Brand Equity Eradication Engine is as ambitious as the first.
“We’re going to use the blockchain to track Brand Equity Offset Credits, then let participants sell them in an open market; for example, Peter Thiel could sell his negative three billion dollars of Brand Equity to Apple, to lower their owed taxes on intangible goodwill in various jurisdictions,” said Miguel, snorting a line of K off the back of a Worldcoin orb while throwing ten dollar bills at us.
“We know from our extensive work with governments that a market here is inevitable, and we may as well lobby for it then benefit from a regulatory moat we always wanted,” Miguel concluded, while Sam Altman laughed maniacally behind him. “As a bonus, another market gives us even more opportunity to build snitchware at scale, adding more coal to the Brand Equity Eradication Engine’s eternal flames.”
A full roll-out to the general public will commence in 2024, long after most of the profitable Brand Equity Eradication trades will be squeezed by insiders, but just in time for the government to mandate its general use and legality.
Until today, Arkham was the leading blockchain intelligence firm. It has a rich history of challenging the status quo, pushing the limits of technology, and a newfound knack for self-sabotage.